Blerg. I was hoping I’d be writing to you today and telling you how much better I was feeling- but alas. My cold is still kicking around. I’ve gone through waves today of feeling better and then feeling like absolute crap. Good thing I have still have plans tonight to get pho with my friend Liz. I definitely don’t feel like cooking tonight and I could use a good hangout over some warm soup.
This morning I awoke to a fresh layer of snow on the ground and a bowl of overnight oats that felt so good on my throat.
I used Kath’s basic recipe plus blueberries and today I added some sunflower seed butter and shredded coconut- in honor of the snow.
I love how sunny it is outside but you know what I’m not a fan of? The wind. Get outta here! It’s so cold and aggravating. I didn’t spend too much time outdoors today (unfortunately) because I’m trying to be good and relax but DAMN. Whenever I was outside I thought my face was going to freeze over permanently.
Another thing that is sort of dragging me down is the fact that Will has to go back to NYC for work during the week until May. I’ll never really know what’s going on with his job I guess. Seeing as we’ve already dealt with this blow before- we’re seasoned veterans to this weird living and relationship arrangement. But it still sucks to be completely honest. We like living together and being together. Simple as that.
I promise this post won’t be completely negative- in fact- the rest is going to be POSITIVE. Because while I’m physically not doing so well and I’m bummed about Will- I’m mentally making progress with my relationship with food and my stress. So there were days this week where I literally felt like the world was sitting atop my shoulders. I was sad, stressed out, and crazed. Part of it was due to lack of sleep, part due to work stress, and the other part- food. I couldn’t even fully embrace all the wonderfulness that happened with the Washingtonian because of how crappy I felt. Mentally and physically- I was exhausted.
But last night, I went for a walk with myself after work while listening to a relaxing pandora station and just thought about my life and thought about food. I knew I shouldn’t work out because I was sick and I also knew I needed some time to clear my mind.
For some reason this week all the changes the R.D. had been asking me to make just freaked me out- I knew they were going to hit me at some point. And my counselor told me today that the more progress I make, the fiercer the backlash will be when I am having a bad day. Oh great. But she is definitely right. So while although I had some intense bad days this week, it’s only because I am making great progress with everything and have been able to have so many good experiences with food and stellar days. Issues with food don’t go away over night. Go figure.
Yesterday, despite being sick, I felt amazing. Why? Because I listened to my body and fed it adequately. It sounds so simple. But that’s all it took. I was able to shake off and flip off the scary voice that creeps in my life and tells me things like, you’re not exercising today so you shouldn’t eat what you normally would- undereat. It was a big accomplishment for me. For whatever reason, yesterday was a good day. I jokingly told Will to record me talking about how strong, healthy, and happy I felt (and the reasons why) so that he could show me during the bad moments.
Last night I recognized that I’ve been acting like I didn’t know how to make nutritious meals anymore- I sometimes go in the kitchen and try to incorporate what I want with what I think I should eat and the new things my R.D. wants me to eat and just flip out. Gah. So ridiculous. I reminded myself last night that I do know what I’m doing. I need to stop trying to be so perfect. This is my life. I make the rules. Yes, there are things I should be doing and that is fine- but I don’t need to feel like I have to impress the world or do everything 150% right (because that’s impossible) constantly.
Again, my life. My rules. That I make with the advice of trusted professionals and friends and family. It’s all a part of that do what makes you happy idea.
As I got closer to home, I started thinking about dinner. I had some meal all planned out already (partially based on calories which was not good) but realized I didn’t want it at all. It would have taken forever to make and clean up and I felt sick man. I didn’t want to deal with that. Instead I went into my kitchen and just made what I wanted and was SO HAPPY.
I put myself through all this mental stress everyday on how to best use up the food in my kitchen so nothing goes to waste and I’m as healthy as possible- and it ends up backfiring and I freak out. My food consumes me instead of the other way around.
My new mantra: I consume food; food does not consume me.
Outside of food, I was also able to think about other aspects of my life and how to re-prioritize them so that I’m a happier person. For example, I need to close my computer by 8 o’clock pm so that I have a better chance of getting to bed and sleeping well. Whatever I’m doing on Facebook can wait till the morning. I spent 10 hours a day at work on a computer- that’s enough.
I took the time to remind myself that I need to actually LIVE life and be present and do the things that make me happy. All the planning and organizing means nothing if I don’t actually enjoy the life I’m living. This goes along with food and blogging and just everything. I know I’m a planner but there is a line. Plus, I was able to see all the good things going on for me in my life right now and that I’m thankful for. There’s a lot of them and I don’t give them the credit they deserve.
So while I’m sad that I’m sick and I hate the wind and I’m bummed about Will going to NYC, I am happy. It’s February- the month of love! I could just feel the shift this morning in my bones when I realized it was February.
I love Valentines Day and no, not just because I have a boyfriend. But because I love love and I love having a day that forces everyone to stop and cherish all the people they love in their lives. Yes, we should all appreciate our loved ones all the time- but let’s be real, guys. It doesn’t happen.
February is also a fun month because Valentine’s Day happens to be my sister Rachel’s birthday and my parent’s anniversary. February is the birthday month for my Mom and my Grandmother- two of the most important people in my life. And yes, of course I can’t wait to spend Valentine’s Day with Will. This will be our fourth spent together! February is also when D.C. restaurant week is! Next week, guys! So much good food coming my way! Then we got good old President’s Day, Mardi Gras, and even the Chinese New Year! So let’s spread cheer, dear readers.
I will spend my spare time this month loving a very special person… myself. Selfish? Maybe. But this is one of my biggest faults- not appreciating everything I do and seeing all my beauty and letting my inner light radiate for the world to see. It’s a problem and I just need to spend a lot of quality time with me. They always say that you can’t love other people fully till you learn to love yourself. I’m going with that.
But of course, as always, I will continue to love on all the special people in my life. I’m going to try and be more mindful of the face that people and relationships are the most important thing to me. I know I’m happy when other people are happy and my relationships are strong with my loved ones. It’s all a part of that re-prioritization I talked to you about.
Step one: take world.
Step two: remove from shoulders.
Step three: breathe and do what makes you happy and remember you’re human and you’re beautiful and you’re wonderful.
Okay. I need to go rest some more. My eyes are burning from staring at my computer screen. I’m going to grab hold of my down time and work on some Valentines Day shenanigans I got going on. And eat a grapefruit. Gotta get that Vitamin C!
This weekend is going to be cold, DC-ers. Stay warm and if you’re healthy and not sick like me- carpe diem the crap outta life the next couple days for me