It seems like eons ago that I was telling all of you guys about my first appointment with a registered dietitian, my goals to gain weight, and me agonizing over being told to eat dessert everyday. But really, it was only four months ago. In the grand scheme of things- that’s really not that much time. It is amazing, however, the progress I have made. It’s hard for me to give myself credit where credit is due- but I know that I need to because I have made immense changes in my life since January that have benefited my overall mental and physical health.

I wanted to give you guys sort of an update on my place mentally because I realized that I haven’t in a while. Part of the reason why I haven’t is because I really haven’t felt the need to vent lately about stress and anxiety related to food and exercise- which is a GREAT thing I suppose! I used to feel like I had all of these heavy issues sitting on my chest and this was the only place for me to get them off. But those heavy issues have sort of disappeared… I don’t know when it happened- slowly along my journey in these past couple of months I’m sure as I can definitely point to some significant check points that I’ve passed- but it happened- I got better.

Now. I’m not perfect. And I still have bad days. Bad moments. I still have issues (don’t we all?) I know I’ll never be perfect. I’m forever learning how to just be me and love me. BUT that being said- I am so much better off than I was four months ago. Even though I feel awkward and uncomfortable patting myself on the back- one of the first steps in trusting myself as I roll into the future and believing in myself is to recognize where I once was and where I am today.

To recap you all: I have been seeing two different R.D.s (one every 4-6 weeks and one for dinner every week) and a counselor. Now I’m only checking in with the one R.D. every six weeks. My second R.D., my counselor and I mutually decided to part ways after they sort of deemed me a “success case” and I agreed that I didn’t think we needed to meet further. Again, I’m a human being and still have issues. But they’re far more toned down now. They’re manageable for me to handle on my own and I don’t need to meet with professionals to work on them. They are every day problems that we all deal with related to body image, self worth, and general life stressors (money, family, work, etc.)

Food and exercise used to occupy almost every second of my life. It was absolutely agonizing. My brain waves could not focus on anything else. I couldn’t hold a conversation with another human being most of the time and listen to what they were saying- people would talk at me, I would pretend to be listening, I would really be thinking about food and exercise. It was sad. It was hard. It was really unhealthy.

While I had accomplished my weight loss goals, the months of losing weight and the fear of gaining it all back really consumed me. I didn’t know how to “even things out” and maintain. I didn’t trust myself to do it. Even though logical me knew that I had made positive, real differences in my life- the emotional/worrier side of me thought that maybe I’d “undo” all the hard work I had put into shaking off pounds. I wanted to stop counting calories but I just couldn’t- it was ingrained in me- I could not let them go. They were a tangible way for me to measure what I was eating and control how I looked. Same goes for exercise- it was something I could control so I did- and I did to the extreme.

I needed my counselor. I needed both of my R.D.s. They provided me with crucial help that I needed to get better. I knew I needed help- I knew something wasn’t right- and that’s why I sought them out. They helped me change how I see food. They helped me learn how to appreciate my body and my mind. They helped me stop counting calories. They pushed me outside of my comfort zone and helped me to make real strides. They helped me learn to trust myself. They helped me break the terrifying grasp that food and exercise had over my life. They helped me feel sane again. They helped me regain my sense of identity and purpose. I love these people. And I love me a bajillion times more than I did four months ago.

It was weird to say goodbye to two thirds of my support team last week, but it was also so freeing. I felt accomplished- I felt so lucky that I was able to turn things around from the scary path I was on to a brighter future. I felt like the page was turned on the horror genre chapter of my life. I felt good. Not everyone dealing with what I was dealing with (am dealing with?) makes it to this point and so for that I am beyond grateful.

My goals with my R.D. have included: developing a trusting relationship between me and food, eliminating mental stress and anxiety surrounding food, working on discovery my “healthy happy weight,” erasing notions of what foods are good and bad, eating more of what I want and less of what I feel like I’m supposed to eat, and in general- eating more. These past couple months have been terrifying- I handed over how I was eating to these trusted professionals (who sometimes I didn’t trust when I was feeling crazy) and let them tell me how to eat. I stopped weighing myself and attaching myself to some number on a scale and just trusted that whatever these people had me doing was good for me. Again, after months of using tangible, measurable ways of knowing what I was eating- saying this would hard would be a massive understatement.

I wouldn’t say that all of those initial goals have been 100% accomplished- but I will say that I have made progress on them that I never thought that I would have back in January when they were first handed to me. The majority of the time I actually feel completely at ease with food. Things that used to stress me out are almost laughable now. I enjoy exercise more and I don’t use exercise as a tool to punish myself or as a means to “earn food.” I eat to workout, not workout to eat. I push myself only when I know its right. I have brought foods back into my life that I once swore off (hello, white bread) or saw as “bad” (a little sugar every once in a while never killed anyone). It’s been a liberating experience to feel like I’m allowed again to eat whatever I want whenever I want. It’s done wonders for my mental health to be eating more- concentrating at work is no longer a struggle. I can truly listen to people. I can be in the moment. I can see the world so much better. And my workouts have obviously improved. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, it’s amazing what your body can do when you’re fueling it properly.

Most importantly: I am happier. And I’m not just saying that. I mean it.

I still worry about my weight. I wonder how much I weigh almost every day and I sometimes stress over what my body will look like a month from now- six months from now- a year from now. But again, these aren’t obsessive stresses that are ruling my life. They are just things I think about. As someone who was overweight her whole life and for the past year has been in a constant state of change when it comes to eating, exercise, and weight- all of these “worries” or fears of being unhealthy again or gaining weight back that I don’t feel good about are pretty damn normal.

Right now- I have no idea what I weigh. And I don’t want to know. It’s not that it would freak me out or set me into a tailspin or anything- it’s just been so great to not know or let the number play around in my head. I worry about it. I know the scale is in my closet and I could break it out at any time. But the sense that it’s just one number and it’s just a number- not something that defines me- has been so strong lately and it’s not worth anything for me to weigh myself. On Friday at my R.D. appointment, she weighed me (she never tells me what the scale reads). All she said was, “you are perfect.” That’s all I needed to hear.

It’s CRAZY to me that I didn’t own a scale until a year and a half ago. I never used to think about my weight at all- it was never ever something on my mind. That number, whatever it was, used to mean nothing to me. Somehow it became everything to me for a short while. And while I’ll always be mindful of it now for health purposes- I am happy to be in a place where it is no longer everything.

Here’s what matters: like I said above- I’m happier- so much happier. I don’t feel like a basket case constantly. My anxiety has been tuned down many many decibels  All of my clothes still fit me and they fit BETTER now that I’m not underweight. My face looks fuller and I can see happiness in my eyes again. My hair, my former pride and glory, is growing stronger and fuller again. My nails aren’t breaking off every two seconds. My body no longer feels like it’s going to crumble. I can run faster. I can stand in yoga poses stronger. I can swing a kettle bell harder. I can do a burpee in better form. My relationships have improved. I have been able to focus on other aspects of my life that are important outside of food. I have been able to dedicate time to loving on the Red Sox. I applied for a trip to Russia, was accepted, and I am leaving the U.S. for the first time in my life in six weeks. I actually feel like I’m living my life and not just watching it pass me by (cliche- but true).

I’m able to do fun things like visit the Embassy of Sweden on the European Union Embassy Open House day with Will– and not have the day be structured around food. I’m able to not take myself so seriously and just “roll with it.” I’m able to have more fun.

I had a weird introspective moment on Sunday night before getting into bed. Will thought I was a little crazy because I was staring at the wall. Next to my bed I have some things hanging on the wall (because I still refuse to be a grownup and decorate like an adult). One of the things there is something an old friend and my college roommate, Carly, made for me before Sophomore year of college. It meant so much to me when she gave it to me and I’ve kept it all this time.

On it reads all of the things she believed to be true about “who I was.” It blew me away that someone at some point thought all of those wonderful things about me. It’s beyond flattering. All of the things in this piece of art are the things I love the most about myself and who I am.

It hit me that NONE of them are weight dependent. None of them at all. All of those things were true when I was eighty pounds heavier than I stand today and they are true now. They are still the things that mean the most to me and make up my identity. And again, none of them have to do with a number on the scale.

This cheesy, movie moment realization only further drove home the notion that I don’t need to care so much about the specific details of my size and shape because I’m so much more than that. So much more. It’s just sad that even though this was hanging next to my bed through some seriously dark times- I forgot all of it.

the signage on the new sweetgreen location at 14th + w knocks it out of the ballpark for me.

Anyway. Moving toward the future: I value nutrition now- I truly enjoy exercise and eating well- thus me being at a “healthy weight” is important to me. I want to be healthy and I love being healthy. BUT I don’t need to obsess over how much I weigh on a day to day basis or over think it all. I can trust that I’m making good decisions in terms of food and exercise and know that it will all balance out in the end. And being healthy, eating right, and moving more- they’re just some of the many things I enjoy and compose the person I am today. They do not define me or determine my character.

For the first time in a long time- I feel literally weightless. I don’t know my weight and I don’t know what my body is “doing.” As a perfectionist and a control freak- yes, it’s scary. But it’s also exciting- it’s exciting to know that I’m finally learning how to trust myself and that I’m working on loving myself. Terrifying. But exciting.

So now it’s just all about balance. Balance is the word and balance is the goal. Vague, open ended, and unstructured. In the words of Icona Pop, I love it.

shoutout to my girl camille over at CD in DC for reminding me how into this song I am. 

Keep it wicked healthy xoxo